Oh yeah… It happens every week. Someone tries to claim an assist that they didn't really earn. Usually it's me. This time, though it was a different player. For the sake of not wanting to start a flame war, let's just call him Colonel Mustard. You’ll never be able to figure out his true identity -- so don’t even try. It’s just not possible. There’s no way to figure it out. Just like WPR, it shall remain forever a mystery.
Mustard called out an assist for himself twice in the night - one in each game. Let's review the plays:
The first goal was when Brett gave the puck to Jason behind the net and Jason turned the ball over to Andrew. Andrew shot from a rather tough angle and it went in, from the right side of the net. Mustard jogged back and called "Andrew from Mustard!". I almost wrote it down, but then I realized that I actually watched that play, and never actually saw Mustard handle the ball.
But I can’t be trusted. My eyes are old and it’s hard to see a bright pink ball on a whitish court, so naturally I asked the bench what they saw. Most of them were zoned out and didn’t pay attention. One of them was a child who didn’t even know what sport we were playing.
So, I asked a veteran player next to me and he just said "Just give him the assist. Otherwise he'll just get mad." Soooo, we just hand out assists because people might get upset on what would have HAD TO HAVE BEEN a vulture assist (at best) anyway, on a play that the defense turned the ball over? Even if he never touched it? Curious. I had to find out more. So, I asked the goaltender. I asked the other players on the opposing team. No one could confirm that he did indeed get the assist, much less even touch the ball.
Well, I guess he felt like just being on the ice at the time was good enough. And we can’t have unassisted goals. Someone needs to get the assist on every play. Right? Whatever. Moving on...
The next play in question was when Jared picked off a defense pass and drove through the middle of the ice and weaved through traffic, nearly losing possession as the defense swiped at the ball. He scored immediately. No follow up shot, no rebound. "Jared from Mustard!" he called out as they trotted back. Wait, what? how did Mustard get another assist on a play that he never even touched the ball on?
So, I asked the Scout who was sitting right beside me. (remember the Scout, Nick?) Did Mustard touch the ball on that play? The Scout said that it looked like MAYBE he whiffed on an attempted pass. Don’t know if he actually touched it though…."Does it count as an assist if the air from your whiff pushes it forward and then the player scores, despite not touching it?" the Scout asked.
Hmmm. I had to look it up. It turns out, that, in order to get an official assist, you actually have to touch it, according to the NHL rulebook. And of course, even if you do touch it, and the opposing team has control of the puck, for however short a period of time, and the player scores, you don’t get credit.
Of course, “control” is widely subjective. And we don’t have referees, so usually it’s a consensus thing. Unless we have the clear majority of people attesting to the assist, it really can’t be counted if no one actually saw the assist, can they?
But who wants credit for a phantom assist anyway? I do. Because I'm old and slow and can’t play hockey. But that’s just me. I think most people would say they don’t really want credit for THAT. I mean, most would say that it would be pretty pathetic to whine about a lost assist, given that it would have been a vulture assist AT BEST, anyway.
And I know there won’t be any immediate outcry over all of this, right? No objections. No complaints. That is, no complaints, plural. There might be one complaint, singular, from Mustard. But then again, if he WAS to complain, he would then out himself and his air of secrecy would be ruined. And he wouldn’t do that. So, I really doubt we will see anyone complain.
Of course, there’s a couple of schools of thought here. One is that: anything that I write up and post is mere garbage anyway, and any stat that Johnny decides to keep is thrown into his black hole of a database anyway. And I suppose we want to keep all these stats as accurately as possible so that one day, when we retire from hockey and end up in a nursing home along with Ron (who of course is still playing hockey - just not us), we can leave our magnificent database to our children (and our children's children) to maintain our legacy. And they will promptly delete it and start fresh, of course with their own stats.
And then there's WPR. But if you pay attention, WPR doesn’t ONLY go by what stats we recorded. He knows who played well and who was assist-grubbing and so on. So, I don’t think you want WPR to call you out on that. Or maybe you do. What am I, your guardian? How should I know? Well, if you want to start a flame war with WPR, please, be my guest. I don’t think it will end well for anyone. But that's just me.
So, to sum up, if you can’t detect sarcasm in writing, or don’t get tongue-in-cheek humor, then you should have stopped reading about 5 minutes ago and I apologize for the time that you will never get back.
Oh, and for those of you that really care, here are the stats. Although, you really shouldn’t care what I write. You should care what WPR writes. Because you can have all the stats in the world one week and still get trashed by WPR (trust me, I know from experience) or just not make his list altogether out of spite. Wait, spite? Was that the right word? Yes, I think so...
Anyway, on we go....enjoy.
DATE: 12/03/17
| rank | Player | Goals | Assists | Points | Games | Wins | GW | GWA | Team Goals | GA | Phantom Assists |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Andrew | 2 | 2 | 4 | 2 | 1 | 1 | 0 | 6 | 9 | 0 |
| 2 | Jared | 3 | 1 | 4 | 2 | 1 | 0 | 1 | 6 | 9 | 0 |
| 3 | John R | 3 | 1 | 4 | 2 | 1 | 0 | 0 | 9 | 6 | 0 |
| 4 | Brendon | 3 | 0 | 3 | 2 | 1 | 1 | 0 | 9 | 6 | 0 |
| 5 | Teddy N | 1 | 2 | 3 | 2 | 1 | 0 | 0 | 9 | 6 | 0 |
| 6 | JB | 1 | 1 | 2 | 2 | 1 | 0 | 0 | 9 | 6 | 0 |
| 7 | Nick | 0 | 2 | 2 | 2 | 1 | 0 | 0 | 9 | 6 | 0 |
| 8 | Drew B | 1 | 1 | 2 | 2 | 1 | 0 | 1 | 9 | 6 | 0 |
| 9 | Mike M | 1 | 1 | 2 | 2 | 1 | 0 | 0 | 6 | 9 | 0 |
| 10 | Jack K | 0 | 1 | 1 | 2 | 1 | 0 | 0 | 9 | 6 | 0 |
| 11 | Billy | 0 | 0 | 0 | 2 | 1 | 0 | 0 | 6 | 9 | 0 |
| 12 | Griff | 0 | 0 | 0 | 2 | 1 | 0 | 0 | 6 | 9 | 0 |
| 13 | Ignads | 0 | 0 | 0 | 2 | 1 | 0 | 0 | 6 | 9 | 0 |
| 14 | Chris N | 0 | 0 | 0 | 2 | 1 | 0 | 0 | 6 | 9 | 0 |
| 15 | Jason H | 0 | 0 | 0 | 2 | 1 | 0 | 0 | 9 | 6 | 0 |
| 16 | Colonel Mustard | 0 | 1 | 0 | 2 | 1 | 0 | 0 | 6 | 9 | |
| rank | Goalie | Games | Wins | Win % | GA | GAA | Shutouts |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Brett | 2 | 1 | 50.00% | 6 | 3.00 | 0 |
| 2 | Dave | 2 | 1 | 50.00% | 9 | 4.50 | 0 |
P.S. As you can see, This STILL is 'the home of the recap'.....it's just a crumby home that suffers from neglect and has a slumlord attending to it. Cheers ;-)
P.P.S. As you can see, I’ve decided to keep track of a new stat - phantom assists. Self-explanatory. But just because you got two in one night, Mustard - don’t get too excited yet. I'm still leading the league in that category. I think Iggy might be ahead of you too. You have quite a way to go to catch up to us. :)
24 comments:
So...who made the decision to let Brendon post again?
Its entertainment John. Just relax and enjoy it. :) Its all in good fun.
Yeah, based upon how much you were complaining about it on the bench last night I'm not sure I'd say good fun.
I'm mad I just read this entire post.
I want a phantom assist!!
you were right on the first one, after I kept it in at the point and chipped it off the boards I thought Andrew got it and got the goal. Brett was telling me what happen after and I said "oh ok" at which point JB said something about you crossing my name off the assist and I just laughed
the veteran player next to you could have easily looked at me and said I didn't get the assist instead of looking at me and saying, "Don't worry you'll get the assist"
Phantom assist for everyone!!
@John -- I don't complain -- I fact check :)
I was right about something?? Somebody please fact-check that -- it must by a typo!
@Mustard Honesty is always rewarded. Credit +1 regular assist, subtracted -1 Phantom Assist :)
So while I was sitting next to Brendon on the bench and he started questioning the assist the exact thing I said to Brendon was that I didn't see the play. If Mike had said he assisted on a play I didn't see, and nobody on the rink contradicts it, then I am going to go by what he said.
I do find funny the line "give him the assist or he'll get mad" since it shows how poor Brendon's listening / comprehension skills really are. After Mike told Brendon that he assisted on the play, and Brendon dismissed him and asked again who assisted on the goal as they were getting ready for the next faceoff, I told Brendon that is how he gets people upset at him. Absolutely we should be getting the stat correct, but his approach could be a little less obnoxious about it.
Ok, Johhny, whatever you need to say to save face. When I used quotes - it is an EXACT quote.
I did say it was a "veteran player" - you could have just left it at that!
My listening skills might be bad. But I can only hear what is aid, not what you meant to say. All I heard was that comment. If you meant that he would get upset at me asking a second time for clarification, well, that wasn't very obvious. In context, it sure sounded like you said he would get mad if we don't give him the assist.
This is pointless debating. I really thought people would have more fun with this, but instead it turns into more quarreling. Shame. Maybe I should just delete my google profile again...
I trust Brendon in everything... Especially the part when he didn’t smash Jared’s toe. Classic Frendon Fartino
If it was me, I apologize. However I don't recall coming into contact with him and you'd think I would have felt it if I did. Mistakes happen, Griff. However if you yourself don't believe it, why would you expect other people to believe it?
You probably misremembered
15 comments for this garbage and big board can’t get more than one
Lol Jared I'm glad you can see the irony here. But to be fair, half of these comments were mine.
Jared, softball just doesn't bring out the passion like Saugus hockey!
Plus everyone hates me and feels like they have to jump all over everything I say. You forgot to mention that.
This post will be the reason I take my own life... I never want to read again!! May I please be stricken with blindness.
Lots of things are fair game on this site, but please don't joke about that...
I would have thought WPR would have had some comments by now......writer's block, maybe?
Can anyone confirm there was a week when frendon scored all the points in the world
Depends on what your definition of "the" is...
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